Risk Being Seen

I’ve been scared to wear this shirt lately. When I first bought this Phenomenally Asian shirt, I was proud. I bought this shirt at the height of attacks on Asian-American elders and I wanted to stand in solidarity with a community that I had felt distanced and sometimes excluded from. Back then I wasn’t scared of the hate, but the fear grew. It grew when stories of Filipino-American were getting attacked. It felt ironic that this is when Filipino-Americans would be recognized as Asian-Americans. Where I grew up, Filipinos were often mistaken for being Mexican or Polynesian. I often proclaimed that I was Asian to correct those who bullied me, but now I’m being heard and recognized when there are those who would do a Filipino harm for being Asian. 

My fear grew again when Asian-American women became a target. Then the Atlanta shooting happened and the attacks went from being done out of prejudice to being done because of fetishization. Wearing this shirt is an added target to that of my skin color and my exotic features. I wore it one day this month comfortably at home. When I went to the grocery store, I put on a jacket. I left the jacket open so some of the words were visible. But with “Asian” being a short word that’s justified to the center of the shirt, my half-assed attempt to hide what community I’m proud to be part of created an awkward phrase, “NOMEN ASIAN.” I’m sure this phrase drew just as much attention as the entire phrase would have. By the afternoon, I took off the shirt, no longer wanting to be proud but in hiding, and I changed into a band tee for my kid’s baseball game. 

Later that evening, I learned that while I was worried a shirt would out my Asianness, my sister who was out with her friends, a small group of black and brown women, were harassed by a white man. This man drove the block the we’re walking several times, looking at them each time he passed. On his last drive by and without provocation this man yelled at my sister and her friends, “You’re all fucking whores and you’re ugly!” My clothing struggles of wanting to be seen but to also hide felt trivial after my sister shared this. It’s also a reminder that women and women of color, regardless of what we wear, can find ourselves in unsafe situations. It also brings up a real struggle for me– wanting to finally be seen after years of being invisible because of bullying. The bullying continues, but the threat is bigger and can be more dangerous.

Michelle Obama said, “When we spend a lot of time worrying about how we fit and whether we belong – if we must continuously contort, adjust, hide, and guard ourselves – we risk losing opportunities to be seen as our best and truest selves, as expressive, fruitful, and full of ideas.”

As a mom to two little kids I fear they’ll witness their immigrant Filipina mom being harassed. But based on Michelle’s words and on past personal experiences, it’s not possible to be a whole person when you’re hiding yourself outside your home and not hiding in your home. It creates a split identity and eventually you lose sight of who you really are. As difficult as it can be, I’d risk my fears to have my children know me as my whole and complete self. They cannot know me in my joys alone, but my fears and sorrows will give them a complete understanding of who their immigrant Filipina mom is. Likewise, I cannot know myself completely if I cannot live in the wholeness of my identity and my experiences. And with that I leave you with another Michelle Obama quote:

“Joy and pain often live in close proximity; they intermingle. Most of us exist in the in-between, following that most innate of human impulses, which is to hang on to hope. Don’t give up, we tell one another. Keep working. This matters, too.”

I hope this Asian-American, Native Hawaiian, and Pacific Islander Heritage Month has been a time of healing, reconnection, and enlightenment for you. Here’s a resource on lowering cortisol levels amidst race-based stressor and racial trauma my sister sent after the stress of her encounter. Let’s take care of another. 

Ingat,

VR