Creativity and Motherhood My Way
I’ve been thinking a lot about motherhood, mental health, and being Asian-American and how those things affect my creativity. These thoughts were prompted by May and its assigned holidays and observances. I’m always thinking and asking questions about creativity, but what started out with wondering if I could be a mom and an artist turned into a decade long journey of discovering what my creative blocks are and finding ways to overcome them.
My therapist asked me why I struggle. What is my struggle? It helps to have someone else ask the questions. When I am in my head and I ask what my struggle is, it comes out as, “what’s wrong with me?!” And then the thoughts spiral into self defeat, “I can’t do this!” The “I can’t do it” mentality stems from mentors, who fed me fears of motherhood eating up my creativity. But then I discovered Audre Lorde’s motherhood and creativity, where she embraced the domestic and creative parts of herself.
The fear I was fed, told me to shut my studio doors to my children. To lock the doors to prevent their childhood from making their mark on my creativity. This way of creating could not work for me. Although I didn’t follow this advice, I couldn’t help but wonder if I was on a fool's errand trying to merge my motherhood and my creativity. But then I discovered Tony Morrison’s creativity and motherhood. She kept her office door open for her two sons to freely move through her creativity. I am no fool.
Closing the door on my children was never an option. It felt natural for my children to be a part of my creative work. Both my parents were accessible in my creativity whether it was Tatay sharpening what pencils we had with a paring knife or Inay teaching me how to draw a bahay kubo, they were there helping me and observing a developing skill they would encourage me to use throughout my life. By having the doors open, I could access my creativity whenever I wanted, but it also meant that the kids' every need was accessible to me. I developed perfectionist habits. If I was going to do both motherhood and creative work, work that was seen as superfluous and work that could wait until the kids were grown, then I better not screw up the children. So I became Richard with nap and Neil schedules. Intern, I became rigid with my creativity. If I was going to do both creative work and motherhood,where raising children takes up so much of my time, then I'd better not screw up this painting.
When I do manage to quiet the perfectionist voice in my head, I find myself at another hurdle to overcome, being a woman and a woman of color. Drawing from life is a big part of an artist, his practice. The photos associated with his blog posts are all the time I drew the early spring blossoms from life at the park. Doing my creative work, surrounded by nature calms me and allows me the focus I can’t get home where cartoons are blasting and Space Unicorn is on repeat. But when I am setting up my picnic blanket and supplies, I am both excited for the upcoming sketch session, while wondering how to not inconvenience others, and to not be noticed, almost to the point that I’m wishing I could be invisible.
When doing my creative work in public spaces, I’ve been cat called. When doing my creative work on private property that I had permission to be on, I had a concerned neighbor make a call to give warning that “someone is on your property.” Incidences of misogyny and racism have made me feel small in doctors offices and grocery isles, but now they infiltrate my creative practice.
On this day that I sketched outside was one of the three days that I sketched that week. At the start of the week I made a plan to sketch while my kid was in preschool. I made sure that the weather was decent those days and I prepped my bag and supplies to be accessible and ready to go. I made it to the park each day as planned. I listen to Julia Louis-Dreyfus‘s podcast while I sketch. I drew pink dogwood blossoms against my favorite black, modern home. And I walked 2 miles each sketch day. Jordan noticed my joy as did my therapist. I wasn’t aware that I was unhappy, but this week was a realization that there is room for an increase of joy in my life and that the joy comes from when I’m creating.
“Creating is in you!” my therapist says, “you have no choice. It wants to come out of you.”The phrase, “no choice” conjures ideas of unwanted societal pressure to do something you don’t want to. Rules at school, parents’ expectations, and religious or cultural obligations. But the “no choice” my therapist speaks of is the innate part of my being. For a long time, I’ve damned up the production of creative work because of the no choice expectations I was taught and this created a depression that made me want to stop the flow of creative ideas. It is a natural process for creative ideas to flow in, and for creative works to be produced. Like how snowmelt has no choice but to flow down the mountain side and become a river. What is in you cannot be stopped. That week of sketching, connecting with nature, exercising, feeling safe, and being present with my family at home was the best I’ve had since writing this post. When writing this piece in the park while my child played, I had a brief encounter with a stranger that made me uncomfortable and I questioned my safety. I still get distracted by Two Dots and I still struggle to listen to my body when it’s tired. But I’m less rigid in my mothering. I’m seeking for any chance to draw like when we were playing card games and I chose to draw my kids playing instead of fully investing in the game. This allowed kids an easier chance of beating mommy and they loved seeing themselves in my sketchbook. My therapist said that I would find my way of being an artist and a mother and this was the first time I saw that my way was possible.
I would be remiss if I didn’t give Wendy McNaughton, the GUT community, and guest artist, Ishita Jain, credit for this creative break through. I believe having a creative community is important to supporting your creative practice. Wendy’s Substack, Draw Together, Grown Ups Table, has been a great community for me and I highly recommend it! Check it out here.
